I am THAT guy......sigh.

With all the press and comments surrounding bullying and gay bashing, I thought I should out myself as THAT guy. I was the one who got harassed in Jr. High. I had a regular group of guys that called me "queer" and "fag". These same guys would kick, punch, trip and knock my books from my hands on almost a daily basis. A few of them even did things like trashcan me, spit on me.....and one even held a pocket knife to my throat. All because they thought I was gay.

Well, I was gay. But this was 1980 in a small town in Iowa. I knew of no other gay people. I had no role models. Basically, I knew I was different.....but I did not know really what to call it or why. I resented being called gay by those who tormented me. It made me want to be anything but what they called me. But, I did not know what they saw that made them say what they did.....so I could not change anything if I did not know what to change.

I went to the school counselor. He was not very helpful. Henry Siemens sat and listened to my plight....seemed to be uncomfortable with the conversation. At the end he proclaimed to not see any problem with me. He said he had no idea why people would say those things about me....I was not walking around the school in high heels and a dress.....so really, there was no problem for him to address. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was not really aware of cross dressers.....and I knew that was not something that I was doing or wanted to do.

I left the counselor's office confused and frustrated. Knowing that nothing had changed and on top of it all, I had to confess everything to someone who was no help and might even make things worse. I had heard that a favorite teacher of mine had made mention about me being gay to other students. That teacher called me to her classroom where she expressed how angry she was....mad at me for believing that she would say such a thing. But, she was not really a resource to assist me.

I told my mother. She did not want to deal with the reality. She made comments like "be a man" and "tough it out". I had no idea how she meant for me to do those things. I thought I was being a man and being tough....but how do you do that when there are groups of people harassing you and interrupting everything that you do?

So, I chose to be an introvert. This is a choice I could make. Be invisible. It was not an easy choice to make. I liked music. I liked drama. I wanted to sing and dance. But, singing and dancing was not the way to make yourself invisible. I withdrew into my own world. I chose to not have or make close friends. Why would I want to subject others to the kind of treatment that I was used to? I did not. And I did not trust anyone else anyway. And I did not trust or like myself. I felt rejected by society and I blamed myself.

This lasted for about three years. I don't have many pictures of myself from those years. I did not do much to take pictures of..... In those quiet times - left alone with only my thoughts, with no resources or people to turn to.....I will confess that suicide is a thought that crossed my mind.

Now, I do not want to belabor or belittle the facts....but I did not have a real concept of how I would commit suicide. I guess that meant I was never really serious about it. I knew of taking pills....and I doubted I could swallow pills, or where I would get pills that would do the job. I knew that you could hang yourself....but, we did not have grown trees in our yard....and I doubt that I was creative enough to figure out another way to do that. We had guns....but I feared them and did not ever get curious as to where we kept them or the ammunition.

Suicide passed my thoughts, but never lingered. I never became obsessed with the idea. And my invisibility plan did make the harassment decrease. The results of being invisible though are that you do not volunteer for things....you do not engage in classroom conversations or debates....you do not experience many of the wonderful things of becoming an adult while still being a teen.

It took going to High School to make things change for me. And it did not change over night. My first year in High School was me tentatively trying to trust people again. And when I realized that my tormentors were lost in a larger sea of people, I tried to trust others and new friends I was now starting to make. And I found that people liked me. And that I was fun to be around and had a funny personality.

It gets better. It gets so much better. I just wish I did not have to become invisible to get through the worst parts. And I hope that no one else....no funny kid that wants to sing and dance.....has to choose instead to be invisible just to get through the day.

We all deserve the right to sing and dance if we want to......and no one should stop us from being just who we were born to be!